Parenting is a job that I never clock out of and I perform
every day, but unlike my “real” job I have no one to evaluate my
performance. No boss, no quarterly reviews, no stats, and no client
suggestions. I crave feedback, but Zach, the man in the best position to
observe and review my handiwork, carefully (and wisely) sticks to the script: You’re
a great mother. You’re doing a good job. Eli hasn’t died yet.
It may be years before a grown Eli discloses to his shrink
how my mothering ruined his life, but until then all I have are his well-child
checkups to tell me how I’m doing. I can’t help but assign the role of
evaluator to our doctor. Whenever I bring Eli to his appointments I feel like
she’s grading my nurturing ability as I compete for the motherhood scholarship.
First, the measuring:
Weight: 19 lbs - 38% Failing grade.
But at least he doesn’t get stuck in his bumbo anymore.
Height: 27.91" - 33% Fail. How is this possible?
Have you SEEN my family? I’m the shortest one by a good three inches and
I’m no hobbit.
Head size: 48 cm 96% A+ Baby. That’s right. My
child rocks his own gravitational pull.
Sleeping through the night? Room for
improvement. Actually Zach and I should probably just go to bed earlier
so that we can fully appreciate his 6 AM wake up call.
Drinking from a sippy cup? Fail. Or maybe
Eli just doesn’t like apple juice.
Pooping? Pass. In a big way.
Crawling? B+. Eli has a powerful engine,
but fails to recognize the size of the vehicle he is attempting to maneuver and
is frequently stuck. He also has a complete inability to back up.
Teeth? 2/4
Fine motor skills? Judging from his ability to
find the tiniest speck of anything I don’t want him to eat and the lightning
speed with which it is transferred to his mouth I’m going to give him an A.
Diet? Well, I believe that one is subject to
opinion. After all, it’s all about Eli being happy, right?
Interaction with other children? Eh, B.
He is terrified of the two year-old that lives upstairs (as are we), but he
can’t get enough of his cousins.
9 MONTH CHECKUP OVERALL GRADE: PASS. I get to
keep the child.
