Monday, November 25, 2013

A plus plus plus plus

Parenting is a job that I never clock out of and I perform every day, but unlike my “real” job I have no one to evaluate my performance.  No boss, no quarterly reviews, no stats, and no client suggestions.  I crave feedback, but Zach, the man in the best position to observe and review my handiwork, carefully (and wisely) sticks to the script: You’re a great mother.  You’re doing a good job. Eli hasn’t died yet.

 It may be years before a grown Eli discloses to his shrink how my mothering ruined his life, but until then all I have are his well-child checkups to tell me how I’m doing.  I can’t help but assign the role of evaluator to our doctor. Whenever I bring Eli to his appointments I feel like she’s grading my nurturing ability as I compete for the motherhood scholarship.

 First, the measuring:

Weight: 19 lbs - 38% Failing grade.  But at least he doesn’t get stuck in his bumbo anymore.

Height: 27.91" - 33% Fail.  How is this possible?  Have you SEEN my family?  I’m the shortest one by a good three inches and I’m no hobbit.

Head size: 48 cm 96% A+ Baby. That’s right.  My child rocks his own gravitational pull.

 Sleeping through the night?  Room for improvement.  Actually Zach and I should probably just go to bed earlier so that we can fully appreciate his 6 AM wake up call.

Drinking from a sippy cup?  Fail.  Or maybe Eli just doesn’t like apple juice.

Pooping?  Pass.  In a big way.

 Crawling?  B+.  Eli has a powerful engine, but fails to recognize the size of the vehicle he is attempting to maneuver and is frequently stuck.  He also has a complete inability to back up.

 Teeth?  2/4

Fine motor skills?  Judging from his ability to find the tiniest speck of anything I don’t want him to eat and the lightning speed with which it is transferred to his mouth I’m going to give him an A.

Diet?  Well, I believe that one is subject to opinion.  After all, it’s all about Eli being happy, right?

Interaction with other children?  Eh, B.  He is terrified of the two year-old that lives upstairs (as are we), but he can’t get enough of his cousins.

 9 MONTH CHECKUP OVERALL GRADE: PASS.  I get to keep the child.