Saturday, May 19, 2012

Quirks: A Rebuttal

So for our anniversary Clarissa decided to write Marriage, a Study of Quirks, where she attempted to malign my good name by putting the label of "quirky" on activities that most any reasonable and kindhearted soul would do.  For my "rebuttal" post, I initially thought I would just evilly say "Clarissa is perfect, there is no quirk about her" and let her writhe in her own guilt.
But, upon recollection, while my initial reaction is actually closer to truth than I would care to admit, I have thought up a couple of doozie quirks that one may find in one's spouse when married.

The Tester:
From what I hear, this is a common enough quirk among the spouses of the fairer gender.  So... Clarissa and I have been married a couple of months and we have moved out to Washington D.C.  I think things are coming along swimmingly, and surely Clarissa feels the same way.  Little did I know that trouble had been brewing in the bathroom, and that the last couple months I have been some sort of strange test subject of an experiment.  Clarissa has been getting the TP "roll" each time it was needed and setting it kindly on the toilet for easy access (I typically use the roll down to the last few scraps, very useful in emergencies...)  I was very grateful.  Little did I know... IT WAS A TRAP!  She's been placing the roll on the toilet for the past two months SPECIFICALLY to see if I would take it and replace it in it's rightful position on the hangy thing.  So... I failed.

                                   Proper TP Location =)                     Improper TP Location =(

I have since taken great care in noticing the temporal location of toilet paper.  I have also noticed that this sort of thing (wife tests) occurs quit often.  A bathroom will go without cleaning for 3 weeks waiting for inspection.  Failed. (my unclean bathroom tolerance threshold is about 6 months; Clarissa's is apparently about 3 weeks...).  A meaningfully placed (but still easily stepped over) vacuum next to the un-vacuumed carpet for a month.  Failed.  An unannounced anniversary.  Did you know this test comes once a year?

The funny thing is, when I pass the tests that really are useful, such as how to shout and throw the shampoo bottle at the person pulling back the shower curtain (useful to confuse a zombie in the case of a zombie apocalypse), she's really not all that impressed.  Go figure, huh?

Plant rescue instinct:
 Have you ever seen the pet rescue billboards with the cute puppy dog eyes starring out at you?  Well, if that was a plant, Clarissa would be hooked from the get go.  As we pass drooping plants at the grocery store, Clarissa gets her nurturing look and tells me we must get the plants because "they'll die without me".  I typically tell her that because of a general anti-green thumb aura I seem to give off they'll probably die with her too.  Still, we've "rescued" a couple plants so far (from the evil Macy's), and miracle of miracles, one has survived and thrived under Clarissa's care.  Yay!

Well, That's about it for now.  I honestly do have more Rissa quirks (although she is pretty darn close to perfect in many ways) but this is a pretty long blog already, so maybe next anniversary.

1 comment:

  1. HAHA!! You guys are so funny! I love it. love. love. love. :)